Update: Thanks to a reader, I’ve taken a second look at this writing. I think I liked the content so much that I overlooked some pretty obvious problems. Here’s the excerpt:
When choosing the ostensible leader of the free world, the American electorate requires the clear assurance that their chosen candidate will consistently put the well-being of others ahead of his or her own personal gratification. The most recent revelations of Trump’s lewdness disturb us not only because of his vulgar objectification of women, but also because they poignantly confirm Trump’s inability to self-govern.
What oozes from this audio is evil. We hear a married man give smooth, smug and self-congratulatory permission to his intense impulses, allowing them to outweigh the most modest sense of decency, fidelity and commitment. And although it speaks volumes about sexual morality, it goes to the heart of all ethical behavior. Trump’s banter belies a willingness to use and discard other human beings at will. That characteristic is the essence of a despot.
Okay, let me first say that given the historic importance of this editorial, the Deseret News should have done a far better job of writing this thing.
Start with ostensible. That word means apparently the case, but not necessarily. The American president is indeed known to many as the leader of the free world, so this can’t be what the paper intended. The word next would have worked nicely; person considered the leader of the free world would have been awkward but okay. But ostensible is simply wrong.
In general, the writing is wordy. Consider:
… the American electorate requires the clear [drop the clear] assurance that their chosen candidate will consistently put the well-being of others ahead of his or her own [drop his or her own] personal gratification. The most recent revelations of Trump’s lewdness disturb us not only because of his vulgar objectification of women, but also because they poignantly confirm Trump’s inability to self-govern. [Poignantly, like ostensibly, is simply not what the writers intended. The word suggests heart-rending, moving… That’s all wrong here. I think the writers were going for sharply or acutely or something like that.]
The next sentence is great: What oozes from this audio is evil. Listen to it and you can hear why. First, it’s short – not wordy. Second, it ends on its most important word: evil. Third, it’s poetic: oozes, audio, evil. Three words beginning on a vowel in a short sentence give the thing a lilt as well as a punch. And finally, oozes somehow conveys the deeply sordid nature of these gradually emerging revelations. See James Joyce, Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man:
His sins trickled from his lips, one by one, trickled in shameful drops from his soul festering and oozing like a sore, a squalid stream of vice. The last sins oozed forth, sluggish, filthy.
One last point: The writers misuse, in the last sentence, the word belie. They mean to say reveal, while belie means to show something to be false.
October 14th, 2016 at 10:35PM
Ostensible? Where is scathing on-line schoolmarm?
October 14th, 2016 at 10:57PM
Yes, yes, you’re right. I’ll admit my eyes floated over that and for some reason let it go. But you’re right.