… the University of Colorado. They’ve had years of absolutely fascinating violence, rape, alcohol, and spending scandals, and it just keeps coming! One of their players went out the other night and drank, by his estimation, “six glasses of wine, 10 beers and six shots of various other alcohols,” and got into a big ol’ fight with some random guy on the street and practically killed him. Haha! More great shit for the team; plus for the … … … university? I think there’s a university somewhere in these stories…!

UD thinks all the people who want to end the alcohol ban at CU’s Folsom Field should use this guy in their ads. LOL.

… Mike Rice.

If you want to be among the top twenty most highly compensated public university presidents in the United States, it helps to preside over spectacular crimes. Penn State’s Graham Spanier, “awaiting trial on criminal charges of perjury, obstruction, endangering the welfare of children, failure to properly report suspected child abuse and conspiracy,” took the number one spot for 2011-2012; coming in at #11 was Florida A&M’s James Ammons, who had the beating to death of one of his marching band members at the hands of other members of the band on his watch. Even if your sports factory doesn’t manage to produce child rape or manslaughter, the simple expedience of being an eager slave of your coaches may do the trick: Auburn’s president made the list, as did Gordon Gee of Ohio State.

… as Neil Young would say.

Helpless schools like the University of Charleston will never be anything but sports factories and arrest generators. They’ll take anyone tall for their basketball teams, including people with arrest records for very serious crimes. When their players team up and get arrested together, the schools haul out their presidents to say we feel helpless.

Someone needs to step in and help America’s sports factories/arrest generators. Alone, they are helpless.

****************

UPDATE: And now: Three from each team!

This is the second mass arrest of University of Charleston athletes in the last few weeks.

Three University of Charleston football players have just been kicked off the team for drug dealing. You’ve got to acknowledge the remarkable degree of teamwork in both Charleston sports – three-man strategy in each case.

She lives for stuff like this.

************************

We always lose lose lose

but we take solace in our booze.

Free market, baby. When students don’t give a shit about your professional football team located on a university campus, they will buy and sell and buy and sell their student tickets to make a buck.

You taught them how the game’s played, with your trillionaire coach and athletes/pretend students and all. Bit late in the day to complain that you get to make a fortune but your players and the student fans get nothing but massive student fees to pay for your fortune.

Sure, the students will show up for the big games. They want to get drunk and excited and maybe win something. But they don’t give a shit about the team, and they’re certainly not showing up for blow-off games. Why should they? What’s your problem?

Or, uh, Drew. My Drew. Lazy, dim, and… er… let’s say not entirely straightforward. But can he ever coach swimmers! The taxpayers of Indiana can’t wait to pay hundreds of thousands of dollars each year to my Drew!

God shed his grace on thee.
And crown thy coach
Without reproach
From sea to shining sea.

******************

(UD thanks Jon.)

Quilty’s borrowing scheme didn’t work out at all well in Lolita (Humbert killed him anyway). Nor, more recently, did University of Texas baseball player Cameron Cox’s. He borrowed a teammate’s pee for a urine test – knowing that his own, I guess, would be drug-laced – and of course the other player was also drugging himself, so they both got in trouble.

… the worst university in America. Go ahead and type UNIVERSITY GEORGIA in my search engine. You’ll get a few hits for other Georgia universities, but mainly you’ll get one unbelievable UGA scandal after another. The board of trustees tried to take over the student newspaper because they haven’t heard about press freedom. A professor shtupped one of his students in front of other students. Sports teams are endlessly full of gun-toting miscreants. After tailgating, the campus is literally a pile of shit. The school has outrageous rates of student alcoholism.

The school is of course on this year’s top-ten party school list; it always makes the list, and often tops it.

The latest is that Jim Donnan, UGA’s amazingly compensated football coach (he recently left), is under federal indictment as a Ponzi schemer. Most of his victims seem to have been his fellow sports morons.

UGA. As ever, a class act.

The killer was seventeen years old.

The chair of their trustees thinks big-time sports are “integral” to universities, and ASU, a perennial game loser, spends hugely on them (expenditures have gone up 44% since 2005). Campus culture is what you’d expect – scads of drunken fuckheads. You can watch them on their latest outing here. It’s bound to be a YouTube sensation — timely publicity for ASU as it competes with Chico State for the gun toting asshole applicant pool. This 2012 article describes an alarmed populace as ASU demolishes all frat and sorority houses (why?) and allows colonization of neighboring streets. With rhetoric suited to a war zone, ABC News headlines:

Frat Party Violence Escalating at Arizona State University

Dispatches from the war zone:

At [one] point, gunshots were fired. The ensuing panic sent hundreds of partygoers running for their lives.

We sing to you, dear ASU.

He also claims that Wardle prevented him from enrolling in some science classes because a biology major would interfere with his athletic career in the years ahead.

Whatever happened to the American university? Once a quiet setting for serious thought, it’s become a shrieking sado-masochistic bedlam, captured most recently by this now-notorious SNL sketch, but really – as our latest perverted campus demonstrates – beyond parody. How do you parody a coach who reportedly made a player who felt unwell keep running in the team “boot camp” until the player lost control of his bowels? Who routinely called the same player a faggot and a pussy? Who “encouraged him to violate his religious beliefs by having sex with a girl in order to improve his play”?

Rest assured that Coach Brian Wardle makes pretty much the highest salary on campus, so the university is doing all it can to encourage his technique. If he’s made to leave, it will likely cost the university tons in buyout money.

How did things get so unspeakably sordid?

Big-time sports.

Tee-hee. Well, state legislators can’t do anything about these two, uh, power centers of the modern American university, so in desperation you sometimes see them – here it’s a guy from Minnesota – issue these sorts of statements. The mental image you should have accompanying Pelowski’s remarks is a frustrated one-year-old kicking his feet against a wall. Except that in this case all-grown-up Gene Pelowski has very accurately and eloquently identified the sources of his frustration.

It’s only frustrating, though, if you think your state university system should be – by some non-athletic standard or other – good.

And why be angry at the idea that spending that money on Tubby is an investment in the future? In the future, the University of Minnesota will be even more strongly – perhaps someday to the point of exclusivity! – associated with basketball.